I hate that I love you

After a long years of waiting. I am still waiting. I know being single is not an issue, but sometimes, you will really feel lonely. We need someone who will be there to keep us inspired, give courage and make life worth to live. I know I still have my parents, they’re always there no matter what happen, and I love them. They are the reason why I exist and they gave me an everlasting love, patience and understanding. Mama and Papa, my heroes.

I may not be a spiritually-inclined person, but I still believe that God has a plan for us. As I grow up, I become mature, independent and adventurous. I still need someone who will love me 🙁 and will accept for who I am. After all, I am only a normal human being. I get hurt, I need love, I need a kiss to caress me when I feel alone, a shoulder to lean on… and fuck it… I don’t have someone to cherish the moment.

Few months ago, I remember I’ve been blogging about this guy I met in an online game. Approximately, it has been 6 months since the last time I talked to him, he said he’s gonna be busy… In the end, just the same ordinary story about my love life (well my e-love life I guess…) he disappeared without leaving any words. Four (4) guys over the internet ditched me. I know it sounds so fucking stupid, but what can I do? We’re in a tech-era. Social networking, online games, internet shit and this and that…

I had been an avid online girl gamer since year 2004. I played different MMORPG, and it has been my social life in the internet. On the other hand, I met some of the players in real life too. Up until now, I am still connected to some of my guild-mates even we are no longer playing games while others still play. Being a gamer, I had e-boyfriend(s), I also experienced e-dramas and sometimes when it’s too serious, it affects -real life. I came to the point that I stopped playing “Jade Dynasty” which is – the online game that I played for the longest period of time. I started at the original English version year 2008 called Zhu Xian published on Philippine server, and after the gaming publisher failed the marketing, I transferred to Jade Dynasty, US Server at year 2010. I once made a history in that game, and my name was never been a good impression because of the people who hated me. Some took it personally, some of them became my friends… and met them in real life too.


I hate that I love this guy up until now, even he’s no longer talking to me. I am still hoping to see him one day. I am still here waiting. I wrote this blog because, I am tired of online games, and I want to settle for a long term relationship. I am turning 24 this year, and do you think I am still young? Yes I am young, but I realized that the world is too small, and our life is too short. Who knows on the next day, there would be an accident? (Knock on the wood)… but just saying… Who knows? We will never know what will happen to our life, because life goes on and once it stopped, it’ll be a sad story if you never achieved something fruitful when you’re still in this earth.

Before I leave, I want to make my parents happy and be with someone’s arm. We’re all the same, and we want a family. I hate that I still love you although Kaan doesn’t really love me. I’m actually supposed to send my CVs and cover-letters to some New Zealand companies because I am hoping I could get another opportunity since my working visa in Singapore will gonna expire in 2 months. But then, I saw this guy suddenly got online in Skype, my emotion burst and made me cry… so I blogged again 🙁

I totally hate you… but I love you… still.

PS: I QUIT playing online games. There’s no way that I am getting back there. It just make me sad. I will travel the world, and that’s my quest.

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